It’s made me realize that I need to take it easy. Take things slow, because it’s better to live in the moment than live in an unclaimed future.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best. The best student, the best mom, the best version of ourselves. But when do we put pressure on ourselves to take things slow? It’s difficult, I know. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Just as much as we set a schedule for us to do stay on track, we need to listen to our bodies. Externally, we might feel no more or less stressed than usual. Internally, we’re dying. Our souls are perishing (I might be a little melodramatic here) and we’re not doing anything to stop it.
I was sick for two days. Just a fever.. or a cold. What’s the difference, really? Maybe I’m still in that post-sick haze where everything is still a bit fuzzy, but it feels like my morning filled of cold sweats and napping in hopes of waking up and everything magically being okay taught me something. Which is weird. I never really thought I would actually get a lesson from being sick, but I did. It felt as if the moment I got sick, everything I’ve been pressuring myself to do these past months, maybe even year, was getting sweated out of me. I felt as if I were in one of those sweat lodge, yoga retreats where everyone wears white and drinks only juices and probiotics. Do you drink probiotics? Anyway.. what I’m trying to say is, it felt… nice and humbling in a way. Me being sick forced myself to slow things down and realize the cycle I put myself in, and maybe even heal myself enough to figure out how to end it.
After I got my new job working remotely, I was ecstatic. I’m extremely introverted with terrible social anxiety and figured this would be the best time to learn new things at a new job, while at the same time, working on myself and what I want to be doing. Although, rather than it just happening, I kind of forced myself on it. I forced myself to start running, I forced myself to start working out to better myself. I forced myself to get back into YouTube and blogging. And of course, not all of it is terrible. It isn’t terrible at all. These are things I should be doing because I want to not because I need to. I felt that if I wasn’t filing my time with productive work, then I would just go into this hermit-crab mode and never leave my room… which is what inevitably ended up happening.
I didn’t start realizing I was going through depression until just a few weeks ago. Even then I was denying it, though. I was still trying to force myself to workout, force myself to film, force myself to do things that I felt like I should have been doing but didn’t have the motivation to do it. Thankfully, though, during this period, I started creating better habits. I started bullet journaling and planning out my life, I started getting back into yoga and watching funny TV shows. I started.. living life, but not in the way I thought I should be. I always felt like I needed to be known, and if I wasn’t known, then I failed at my one opportunity of life. I always wanted to feel like I made an impact in the world, and I honestly think every one does. But I’m noticing that there comes a moment in peoples lives that they have to choose between being the best and being themselves. I’m still at that crossroads, but I don’t want force myself anymore to be something or someone I’m not. I don’t know what will happen in the next few years, even though I’ve always planned my life in advance. I always thought I was making goals, but I don’t think that was the case. I was imagining my perfect life and what I needed to do to get there, but I never put my mental self into the equation.
Strangely, my two days of being mostly bed-ridden, filled with pain and sweat actually made me realize all of this. It’s made me realize that I need to take it easy. Take things slow, because it’s better to live in the moment than live in an unclaimed future. We don’t know what lies ahead of us, but we do know the moments that are made to shape our future. If we’re not living in those moments, then what type of future will we shape for ourselves?